Abnormalities
by HaganeOkami
Summary: Kyon is forced to temporarily move into Koizumi's house, and to deal with constant visits from the SOS Brigade and from Koizumi's strange colleagues. Expect plenty of Koizumi/Kyon later.
1. Chapter 1

Unbelievable. Completely and utterly unbelievable. When I got home from school to see my parents standing in the kitchen with solemn faces, I knew I was going to have to prepare myself for news of the less-than-positive sort. Why was I still so shocked? A parent losing his job was the kind of thing that seemed fairly common. I'm sure it happened quite often, many hundreds of times a day in all different parts of the world. Even so. . .

What bothers me is the fact that of all people, it had to happen to me. I was already living a stressful life (who wouldn't, with Miss Evil Overlord You-Know-Who always looming overhead?), and now I'm being told that my dad has, to put it bluntly, been fired, and therefore, due to insufficient funds, the house that I was calling home just this morning is no longer ours. Guess I'm just not cut out for happiness, am I?

And, unsurprisingly, matters most certainly did not improve as the discussion continued. The uncomfortable feeling of sitting on formerly our furniture, in formerly our living room, in formerly our house, did nothing to help. My parents and I awkwardly attempted to debate about our options, changing the subject at every other sentence, resulting in something that sounded more like a string of unrelated sentences than a conversation.

After a bit, I, having grown impatient with this discussion that wasn't getting anywhere, decided to cut to the chase, if you'll forgive the use of a cliché expression.

"What exactly are we going to do next? Is there some sort of plan?"

What followed was a period of dead silence. My parents gazed sadly at each other, while my sister sat anxiously with Shamisen, stroking the usually energetic male calico who now looked just as solemn as we did.

Finally, with a sigh, Mom turned towards my sister and me.

"Your father and I have decided that since we need to find a new job and a new home, we'll be doing a fair bit of traveling. You and your sister need to stay in school, and you can transfer when we settle on a place. We'll be leaving in a week, so you should take that time to find a friend that you, your sister, and Shamisen can stay with."

It was at that moment that I remember going through my list of friends, realizing with dismay that as far as close, trusted friends go, I have only four. I turned over the possibilities in my head.

Stay with Haruhi? Absolutely not! Knowing her, she'd charge me rent. That or she'd turn me into her personal household slave, put me in an embarrassing apron and make me cook and clean and bring her breakfast in bed. Perhaps both. Have I ever even met her parents before?

With Nagato? Impossible. Last time I was there anyway, she lived in a one-room apartment, and its furnishings consisted of a single table. I felt bad for her, living alone in that place all the time, but once you add my sister and Shamisen into the equation, we'd just end up being a burden anyway.

Miss Asahina? Probably not a good idea either. The two of us naturally don't interact much outside of school, and she has explicitly told me not to get too friendly with her. Moving into her house (which I've never even seen by the way) would likely only amount into an invitation for trouble of all sorts.

And Koizumi? He lives in a large house with plenty of extra rooms, and I've heard the only other person he lives with is his older cousin. He'd probably be perfectly willing to take us in too, considering how agreeable and friendly (perhaps too friendly?) he is. But I shuddered to imagine what would happen if the news got out. Taniguchi wouldn't let me hear the end of it.

The odds were most certainly stacked against me.

I checked the clock. Turns out that dealing with this family crisis had gone on until 1:00 AM. I suppose then it was a good thing that we had a day off from school tomorrow. The members of my family all bid each other uneasy goodnights, and I headed up to my room.

Toying with my cell phone for a few minutes, I thought over my options again. It was just my luck that all of my friends happened to be unsuitable living companions. But as for who would be the least unsuitable, I had no idea. But the more I thought about it, the more obvious it became. It would by no means make me happy, but at this point, did I really have a choice?

With clearly visible irritation, I snatched the phone off my bedside table and dialed a number. While it rung, I waited, feeling a lot more nervous than I knew I should have. And I was soon greeted by the familiar voice on the other end.

"Hello? This is Itsuki Koizumi."


	2. Chapter 2

"Hello? This is Itsuki Koizumi."

I always hated talking to this guy, on the phone or in person. Koizumi's plastic smile and eternally cheerful tone of voice never failed to unnerve me. He didn't even sound tired, despite how late it was. Shouldn't he have been asleep? Taking a breath, I replied,

"Hello, Koizumi. This is Kyon. I. . . I hate to have to call you like this, but I'm in kind of a tough spot here. You see, something happened, I guess I can explain that later, and the point of the matter is that I don't have a house anymore. So, my sister and Shamisen and I need a place to stay for a little bit while my family sorts things out elsewhere."

I must have been crazy. Talking to Koizumi about personal family matters? At any other time I would have chosen to be mocked by Haruhi, or to listen to Nagato's endless, incomprehensible monologues. Or even better, to be consoled by the gentle and beautiful Miss Asahina. If I knew what was good for me, I would have hung up right then and there and dropped the matter entirely. But I thought better of it. Might as well hear what Koizumi had to say first.

"Oh, that is indeed unfortunate. You have my deepest sympathies."

His speech patterns were odd, to say the least. Even when he was being completely and utterly sincere, the way he worded things often sounded alarmingly like sarcasm. But this time his tone did contain something that I recognized as genuine sympathy, and for that I was somewhat thankful.

As Koizumi spoke again, I could see in my mind's eye the expression that probably adorned his face right now, and it did nothing to comfort me.

"In fact, if you so wish, I have several extra rooms at my house. Things have been quiet around here as of late, so I certainly wouldn't mind some guests."

I have been around Koizumi long enough to have gained the ability to read right through his gratuitous sugar-coating and uncover the real motive behind his often ambiguous statements. The outlook for this particular one did not please me one bit. Right now I could practically see his face twisting into a smirk at the thought of finally having me live with him in close proximity. Why couldn't he lust after girls, like a normal guy? Or perhaps, why couldn't he pursue some other guy? Why me? That's all I ask!

My internal rantings aside, there was actually some good news mixed in with this. He said yes, he invited me into his home, and as much as it would NOT be my preferred place of residence, at the very least, I had somewhere to go.

"Eheh. . . thanks a lot. I. . . er. . . appreciate your generosity. Look, um. . . I have to move in in less than a week, is that all right?"

Koizumi chuckled. "No trouble at all. Would you be ready to come over tomorrow? It would be most convenient if this could all get sorted out on a day off from school."

"Sure, that would be fine. I don't have too much I can bring, just my clothes and some things for school, everything else is being sold along with the house."

"Hmm, yes. I see. Very well, I'll be expecting you tomorrow then."

And so it ended, as I hung up the phone and lay back on my bed to sleep there for what would be the last time. And what an unusual feeling that was.

I was woken early the next morning (actually around 9:00 AM, but considering how little sleep I had gotten, that was pretty early) to gather up the few material possessions I was allowed for my voyage into the horrific unknown. My school uniform, some extra outfits for off days, sleepwear, toothbrush, toothpaste, my school bag containing all the appropriate books and papers, that was just about the extent of it. It seemed more like the kind of stuff you'd bring on vacation than if you were moving.

The car ride to Koizumi's house was quiet. My sister was occupying her time playing with Shamisen, and I was at least happy to see that all melancholy on her part had vanished. Ah, childhood, the time where you could completely forget everything that was troubling you as long as you had a soft animal to cuddle with. Makes me kinda wish I had mine back.

Our destination was a nice traditional Japanese-style house, out of the way and tucked among a cluster of trees. Had I not been here before for the shooting of our movie (a hellish experience, by the way, one which I would rather forget) I would have had no way of knowing it was here. I immediately saw two people greeting us from the front porch. One I recognized as Koizumi; the other was someone I had never seen before, but I assumed it was his cousin.

My parents stepped out of the car, followed by my sister and finally by me, and Koizumi and his as of yet unidentified relative met us there. Now that I was closer, I could certainly see the resemblance between Koizumi and his cousin. He seemed to be in his early twenties, and was tall and slim. His hair was darker than Koizumi's but styled much the same way, and he wore glasses, which gave him a sharp, intelligent look that contrasted with his friendly expression and soft eyes. And his style of dress (a yukata, by the way) was far removed from anything I'd ever seen Koizumi wear. Maybe he was a writer? He extended his hand for each of us to shake in turn.

"It's a pleasure to meet all of you. My name is Yukito Koizumi, I'm Itsuki's older cousin. We hope to be good hosts for however long you'll be staying with us."

That same Koizumi politeness, he was definitely his cousin. He went aside with my parents, supposedly to chat about general guardian procedures, leaving me with Koizumi. He was smiling, as always.

"Since you're going to be living with us now, Kyon," he said. "It may get confusing for you to be calling me 'Koizumi' when there's another in the house with the same name. So please, while you're here, call me 'Itsuki,' okay?" He gave me a sly look that I did not like at all. "Or would you prefer to call me 'Icchan?'"

I attempted in vain to keep my cool as he moved dangerously close to me again, like he always does. Pushing him away, I muttered through gritted teeth,

"Let's just stick with 'Itsuki.'"

It was past noon by the time my parents finally left. They had said that they were going to be busy with the moving arrangements, so we probably wouldn't be able to see them during the week until their ultimate departure, so I was treated to a good half-hour of mushy goodbyes and tears and hugging and whatnot. I'll spare you the details.

Inside, the Koizumi house seemed to be a comfortable place to live. I couldn't help but notice though as I walked in that the paper door was a little worse for wear, like it had been torn down and rebuilt multiple times. This was what prompted my question.

"Hey, Itsuki, is there something going on in this house that you're not telling me? Neither you nor your cousin seem to be the type to tear down doors."

"Oh, that?"

Yes, that. What else could I have been talking about?

"Sorry for not telling you about this earlier, but some of my colleagues like to come and visit on occasion."

"Other espers?"

"Precisely. Most of them are fairly well-behaved, but others. . . can be a bit destructive. There are frequent conflicts in the Organization, and sometimes they can turn into physical fights among some of our younger and more impulsive members. They're so disagreeable that almost every single time that more than one comes over, there ends up being a fight. It's quite the nuisance."

Funny, I didn't hear about any of this over the phone.

"Fine, but just be sure that they're all aware that my sister and I are merely innocent guests. I don't really want to become the target of a flying kick to the head."

"Don't worry about it. I will personally guarantee your safety."

I still don't trust you.

"Anyway, you'd best take your things up to your room. It will be the first room on the left after you go up the stairs."

. . .Was this some kind of joke? The room that Itsuki had distinctly referred to as "your room" as in _mine_ was by no means vacant. There were already various books, papers, and articles of clothing strewn all over the floor, in addition to an unmade bed, a desk, and a fully stocked closet. In fact, as I realized with horror, this was Itsuki's room! Just what was he trying to pull? Unable to suppress my growing fury, I shouted rather loudly towards the ground floor,

"ITSUKI! I thought I was supposed to take my things to MY room! This is yours!"

The soft voice floating up from downstairs answered me,

"Heh, don't worry, I was just kidding. Just take any empty room you like."

I didn't have to put up with this. Most people would consider Itsuki's behavior to be some form of sexual harassment, wouldn't they? Yet somehow, he's always managed to get away with it. Kinda like how Haruhi always gets away with harassing Miss Asahina just because she's a girl. No one ever seems to care about it unless a guy is the perpetrator and a girl is the victim.

I crossed the hall to an unoccupied room. It was a spacious one, with a bed in the corner, a desk at another corner, and a small bookcase lying against the wall between them. Well-furnished, roomy, nice view from the window. . .

CRASH!

And it's newest addition was a trio of young adults (two men and a woman) standing amidst shards of broken glass and looking very proud of themselves. I suddenly remembered Itsuki's warning about unexpected visits from unmannerly espers. This was clearly what he had been talking about. Oh, what will become of my sanity?


	3. Chapter 3

**After an inexcusably long break, the third chapter of Abnormalities is finally up! By the way, since I lack the creativity to be constantly coming up with new characters to fit the story's needs, a good majority of the "original characters" in the story will simply be ones borrowed from other anime. Yukito was original, but one of the new characters introduced in this chapter isn't. See if you can guess who he is before I reveal his name.**

**Chapter 3**

I didn't have any better way to react to this situation than to simply stand there, mouth agape, staring at the three people who had broken and entered into what would have been my room.

Upon giving them slightly more than a first glance, I realized that I already knew two of these people. Two of Itsuki's colleagues that I had met once before on our infamous summer-retreat-turned-murder-mystery excursion: Sonou Mori and Yutaka Tamaru. They were both in formal, business-like attire (a sharp contrast to Mister Yutaka's casual wear and Miss Mori's maid uniform from before), as was the second man, who I had never seen before. He gave the impression of an insomniac, with disheveled hair, shadowy eyes, and ghostly white skin that made it look like he hadn't seen sunlight once in his life. To be honest the suit he was wearing went about as well with him as emotions (of any kind!) did with Nagato. It simply did not work.

I almost wanted to give the two familiar faces a greeting of some sort, but I thought better of it. I didn't want to encourage whatever one would call this type of behavior by being friendly. Besides, they probably wouldn't have even answered me if I did. In fact, no one among the three intruders even gave me so much as a passing glance as they casually and delicately swept the dust off their clothes and began to speak to each other in hushed tones. It kinda pissed me off. Hello! You just smashed your way into a house! Shouldn't the owner of the room you smashed into get an apology, or at the very least, some acknowledgment?

I soon heard the thumping of multiple people racing up the stairs and down the hall, and as I turned, I saw that Itsuki, Yukito, and my sister had appeared at the door. And Shamisen, weaving carefully between their legs, seemed to have followed suit.

I found myself eying Itsuki's expression carefully, trying to figure out what he thought about all this. It was hard to place. Of course he was smiling. There was no doubt about that; he was always smiling, but when you're dealing with someone who only wears one expression, all the time, you pick up some nuances. And this was a forced smile if I had ever seen one. It looked more than anything like a grimace, and told me that no matter how he tried not to outwardly show it, Itsuki was angry. And putting myself in his place, I can only imagine that it was for a good reason.

Meanwhile my sister had her hands cupped to her mouth in horror, and Yukito seemed to be attempting to suppress laughter. And me? I was most likely staring blankly into space with a dumb expression on my face.

After an awkward silence spanning an unspecified but most likely rather long period of time, the trio of Yutaka and Mori plus Creepy Insomniac Guy turned towards us. Creepy Insomniac Guy looked over each one of us with his empty, unblinking eyes that looked as though they could take X-rays or read minds. My own eyes, for whatever reason, drifted down towards his feet. And much to my horror, I realized just then that he wasn't wearing any shoes. What was with this person? But my attention was immediately diverted back to his face when he finally spoke.

"So it's true then. Miss Suzumiya's chosen one has indeed come to live with the Koizumis."

Talk about soft-spoken. I had to strain to hear that. And "Miss Suzumiya's chosen one?" What did that have to do with anything?

"We do apologize for approaching you so rudely, Koizumi, but this is a matter of importance, as you should understand."

Okay, yeah. _Itsuki_ may understand, but I on the other hand am completely lost! Why don't you actually make the context clear next time! Oh look, it seems that Itsuki has something to say; maybe _you_ can give me some answers.

"True it may be that this puts me in an awkward position regarding Miss Suzumiya and our friend Kyon here, but I assure you that no undesirable effects will come of it. This is merely a kind gesture for a friend of mine. Nothing more."

If any three sentences could bring the world to a grinding halt, it would have to be none other than the three sentences that I just heard come casually and bluntly from Itsuki's mouth. If I could have collapsed on the spot without sustaining a serious head injury, I would have. I frankly didn't know whether to be relieved that Itsuki was proving my suspicions about him wrong, or horrified that the subject had even come up in the first place. But could I really take his word for it? That could very well have been a lie just then. I certainly wouldn't have put it past him.

In fact, as I noted his awkward smile faltering a bit, I was positive that he was lying. But calling him out on it would be a bad idea, because it seemed that our visitors' intentions were to kick me out of the house if there was anything going on between us. I didn't particularly want to go house-hunting again. So I kept my mouth shut.

"Hmm, very well then," Creepy Insomniac Guy said as though he was accepting Itsuki's explanation. But his skeptical expression said otherwise. "I do have to warn you to watch your step though. We have no way of knowing how Miss Suzumiya would react if her chosen one turned out to be in a relationship with someone else, let alone another boy. I'm only telling you for your own sake, please keep that in mind."

Could we please move this conversation along? Itsuki's already denied it, so why not just let it go? Why do you even care? Frankly this whole thing is beginning to send me into a state of panic. I'm not interested in Itsuki, I've already said that my attraction to "the same team" might as well be nonexistent! No wait, it IS nonexistent, there's no "might as well be" about it. Oh crap, now Creepy Insomniac Guy was looking at me. What did he want?

"It was quite rude of me not to introduce myself. You can call me Ryuzaki. Koizumi, Mister Yutaka, Mister Keiichi, Mister Arakawa, and Miss Mori all work under me in the Organization. They've all told me good things about you, and it's a pleasure to meet you at last. To keep things simple from this point on I'll call you Kyon. Is that reasonable?"

He's acting like I played no role whatsoever in his conversation with Itsuki. This Creepy Insomniac, or rather, Ryuzaki, was really beginning to unnerve me.

"Good. I will make an effort to fix the window, and hopefully I can make up for what I'm sure was a bad first impression of me. But if you will excuse me, Mister Yutaka, Miss Mori, Koizumi and myself have to go aside for a few minutes. There are matters that need to be privately discussed in more detail."

With those parting words, Ryuzaki left the room with the others. I was left alone with Yukito. Shamisen must have lost interest and left sometime earlier, and my sister I'm guessing had followed him.

"Try not to worry about them," Yukito said with a gentle (and perfectly sincere) smile.

"I'm sure that no matter what, Itsuki wouldn't have let Ryuzaki kick you out."

I didn't even bother reacting to that statement. Under normal circumstances I would have been compelled to say something like, "What do you mean by that? You can't seriously be telling me he cares that much about me! That's just gross!" But at this point, I had heard enough about this subject, and figured I'd just ignore it and somehow it would go away. That said, I felt that changing the subject was perfectly justified.

"So, Yukito, are you an esper too?"

"Afraid not. But living with one and knowing several others, I do have a general idea of how the concept works. It's quite fascinating. But no, I'm just a writer, working for a couple of small publishers."

His voice shifted into a melodramatic wail, and I had seen enough anime to know that this meant he was about to go on braggadocios and at the same time self-pitying tangent about his work and his social life.

"Yes, yes, all day long I slave away at my computer just to keep my adorable little cousin and myself fed! My editor, a wrinkled, grouchy hag busts down my door on deadline days, screeching, 'Where is the manuscript!? Give me the story; it's due today!!!' I get locked in my office, typing out 500 pages with my exhausted hands. . . they blister, go raw, and start to bleed, while my editor cackles at me, bullwhip in hand! I'm never allowed out of the house, never allowed to see the light of day! It's true, in my 24 years I've never even had a girlfriend! Or a boyfriend! There's no hope for me, no reason to go on except to see my paycheck, promising a bit of bread and some meat if we're lucky, and little Itsuki giving me his endless thanks with tears in his eyes, his valiant gratitude for what little we have makes it all worthwhile!"

I had hit the nail right on the head. Congratulations, Kyon, you just managed to get yourself stuck in a house with not only Itsuki, but a living embodiment of one of the most annoying character archetypes in existence: The narcissistic, melodramatic, blithering idiot.

It was all too much. I found myself slipping silently out of the room, and into the hallway where Itsuki and Ryuzaki stood.

"Oh good, you're here," Itsuki said cheerfully. "I'm hoping Yukito didn't give you too much trouble. Try not to take him too seriously. His editor is actually a very nice person, and we as you could probably tell are neither poor nor underfed. And his single status is his own fault. Trust me, he is in no way a victim of his own career."

Thanks, Itsuki, but I had already figured most of that out.

"Anyway, it's good that you're here because after we finished talking and Mister Yutaka and Miss Mori went to find themselves rooms to stay in, we began contemplating dinner. We were hoping for your input and possibly your help. Come join us."

I opened my mouth to agree, but a particularly poorly-timed call to my cell phone cut me off.

"Go ahead and answer the phone, and come down with us when you're done, alright?"

With that, Itsuki and Ryuzaki descended towards the kitchen, and I answered the phone.

"Kyon!" It was Haruhi. "I tried to call you on your home phone, but I just got some message saying that your house's phone line had been disconnected or something! Where are you?"

"I'm at Koizumi's house. Something happened, and I have to live here for a little while," I said quickly, trying to be as vague as possible so the incident from earlier today didn't float into the conversation.

"Really? Be sure to tell me about it, I need to know all the details! Mikuru, Yuki, and I will be right over."

"Huh!?"

"Must you forget everything, Kyon? We were planning on meeting at your house today to discuss what we're going to do with our next movie! Should it be a sequel to The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina, or maybe this time around we should go for something that will get us more fangirl appeal!"

"Hey, Haruhi, you know I get charged by the minute for usage of this phone, right?"

"Okay, okay! See you in a few then, Kyon!"

And thus began my never-ending hell, as the SOS Brigade and Itsuki's strange colleagues, the worst of both worlds, were now set to be conveniently gathered together in one place.


End file.
